


Red vs. Blue Chat Logs

by hipstergodhead



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-05-20
Packaged: 2018-06-09 15:28:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hipstergodhead/pseuds/hipstergodhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Literally the title. Grif made a chat log and suddenly space snails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red vs. Blue Chat Logs

-Chat Room Opened at 13:09-

Grif: so, yeah chat room. Nerdy shit like that.

Cbus: but how are we even talking! We are not in visual disrance

Grif: Its called a computer caboose.

Cbus: but the children ride busses! They dont use cimpupers. I but tucker put you up to this.

Grif: Caboose.

Grif: shut up.

Cbus: doors dont shut up. They close griffathin. You should know this by now.

Grif: griffithan?

Simmons: his name’s actually Dexter

Grif: SHUT UP!

-Tucker was added to Chat room at 13:26-

Grif: fuck

Tucker: bow chika bow wow

Grif: who the fuck added you?!

Simmons: I thought it was a whole group, group chat!

Tucker: YOUR SISTER!

Grif: FUCK YOU!!!

Cbus: she is a nice lady. She tucks me in  
Tucker: wait what

Grif: what

Simmons: what

Cbus: what

Tucker: Caboose. You know you spelled your name wrong

Cbus: i am a bus from the sea!

-Cbus logged off at 13:29-

Simmons: at least he used the right sea.

-Caboose joined chat at 13:30-

Caboose: i meant cee

Tucker: god damnit

Grif: ok this is now fucking stupid

Simmons: i like it. Its team building

GIF: we’re on different teams.

Grif: *Grif

Grif: auto correct keeps fucking up my name.

Caboose: i think dexter wants to be a moving image. Also. we are purple team now.. Yesh

Tucker: well at least that means i can me closer to grifs sister. Bow chika bow wow!

Grif: IM GOING TO GO OVER THERE AND KILL YOU!  
Simmons: please, you wont even make it across the room.

Tucker: yeah dude. Its not like your a great body builder like me. I can lift a pelican whenever i feel like it.

Caboose: then why were you having trouble changing a tire? Does that mean cars are secretly robots!

Grif: lol

Tucker: besides. Grif is a watermellon he’s only thin because of his armor

Grif: so what? Girls like chub

Caboose: lies. He is probably an alien. I’ve been putting salt in his drinks. I know he is a snail.

Tucker: no. girls like a man who is awesome and can provide

Grif: that was you?!

Grif: and who says i cant provide?!

Simmons: your lack of motivation.

Caboose: I was right! Grif is a secret alien snail! I must tell everyone!

-Caboose disconnected at 13:40-

Tucker: see. Simmons agrees which means i am amazing and the ladies love amazing

Simmons: well not completely. I agree Grif has 0 motivation to provide, But I have noticed online that polls suggest females enjoy someone confident in their body especially if it isnt exactly to society’s standards.

Tucker: Simmons… this is why nobody likes you.

Grif: hey, im happy i won at least half of that argument.

Simmons: always underacheiving

Grif: at least i can talk to my team

Simmons: ITS A BUNCH OF GIRLS!

Tucker: Simmons! I didn’t know you were a lady!

Simmons: IM NOT!

-Caboose has reconnected at 13:51-

Caboose: everyone now knows to put salt in Grifs food. Because no one wants a space snail for president of purple team!

Grif: we’re not purple team.

Grif: AND STOP PUTTING SALT IN MY RATIONS!!!

Tucker: bow chika bow wowowoah what! Caboose.. Youre not serious..

Caboose: you will not have my kidnes space slug! I am onto you!

Grif: im not a slug!!!

Simmons: sure act like one

Grif: youre not helping!

Tucker: salt… why didnt i do that instead all i did was put elite blood in his jelly…

Caboose: my other suspicion is correct! He is sided with the covenant! I must tell everyone to double the salt! And make salt guns!

-Caboose disconnected at 13:55-

Grif: you what!?

Tucker: hey grif. Does that make your sister a sexy space snail?

Grif: were not fucking snails!!!

Simmons: Hes just teasing you Grif

Grif: hes about to die is what hes doing!

Tucker: oh no! Im gonna die at less than 00.1 miles an hour! Oh Simmons what do I do!

Grif: arent we forgetting that youre the one who had an alien baby!?

Simmons: he has a point. If anyone is an alien its you.

Grif: thank you simmons

Tucker: hey shut it! At least he has college education ad a parent who cares for him! ..he might even come back one day.

Grif: yeah right

-Caboose logged in at 14:00-

Caboose: alright alien! And sexy alien lady! I have sent purple teams best men to stop your invasion!

Grif: yeah and who would that be Caboose.

Caboose: sergeant purple dwarf. Three cups and rolex watch. And leading is my best friend. Freckles!!

Tucker: wait… you got Sarge in on this?

Grif: Freckles?! I thought we blew him up?!

Caboose: we did, yeah. But then he came back! As a mongoose!

Caboose: hes a nice kitty

Caboose: I sometimes give him piggyback rides.

Simmons: That thing is over 200 pounds!

Tucker: what the hell are you guys doing??

Simmons: Grif is stress eating a box of oreos

Grif: you cant prove that

Simmons: I’m sitting right across from you.

-Simmons was unplugged at 14:12-

Caboose: open the door snail men!

Caboose: not now private cup! Sarge the men are in disarray put them in line while me and Freckles enjoy door time.

Grif: what?

-Sarge was added at 14:14-

Sarge: sweet mother of pearl bailethe hell is going on here?!

Grif: SIMMONS!

Simmons: I had to add him hes Sarge!

Grif: I hate you.

-Freckles hacked chat room at 14:17-

Freckles: Grif. Commander Caboose has demanded you open the door and let him in. Also, bring your sister.

-Freckles left at 14:18-

 

Sarge: here i am enjoying a peaceful game of chicken invaders, when Simmons sends me some social media request that takes a damn hour to download!

Tucker: wait what. Caboose are you hitting on grif’s sister!

Grif: FUCK YOU YOU OVER GLORIFIED QUAD!

Simmons: What happened to order!?

Tucker: bow chicka bow wow!

Sarge: id say she could do better, but growing up with Grif as a father figure probably didnt set the bar too high

Grif: I was a great father figure!

Sarge: and by high i mean bottom of the merianus trench!

Caboose: I know you snails are in there! Let me in or i will starve you out!

Tucker: I would like to explore the trench is you know what i mean, Bow chika bow wow!

Sarge: what!? The snails are back? Caboose ive told you a thousand times having a garden in your closet is against military regulations! Its also really stupid!

Sarge: ...we all know what you mean son

Caboose: wrong sarge!The snails evolved! They stopped eating my lollipop flowers and then they took over grif! And i bet they have his nice sister too!

Caboose: This was confirmed after salt was introduced to Grifs rations

Sarge: …

Sarge: Caboose what kind of “snails” we talking about?

Sarge: because it might be high time we had “the talk”

Caboose: Evil ones. They killed Grif in his sleep and formed together into a super slug in Gifs armor!

Caboose: private cup! Sarge is one of them! That was explain it all! Retreat to purple team headquarters!

Sarge: well that’d certainly explains his performance for the past thirteen years

Sarge: im not!

Sarge: wait a minute

Sarge: if the snails seized control of me would i be aware of it, or would they know me so intimately that they convinced me im still in control!

Sarge: Simmons! I need table salt and a panic room!

Grif: we were afk for 10 minutes!

Simmons: Right away sir!

Grif: dont encourage this!

Grif: god dammit caboose!

Grif: Okay you know what im adding someone to straighten shit out!

-Grif added Whashingtits to the chat room at 14:38-

Wash: what’d you call me?

-Donut joined chat room at 14:42-

Grif: not the point. Tell your team and Sarge im not a fucking space snail!

Donut: and tell Tucker you love him~! (otp4life!)

Wash: What did I miss?

Simmons: it’s easier to just read the continuing conversation from the beginning

Caboose: i have set explosive salt charges outside all the suspects rooms. We will survive!

Wash: Caboose, there are no space snails

Wash: Grif is lazy, Sarge is paranoid, and Kaikaina is...well, i’ll tell you once you hit puberty.

Grif: No say it. I wanna fucking hear it Wash.

Wash: ...eccentric

Grif: that wasnt what you were going to say!

Wash: its a good word as any

Grif: I hate all of you

Caboose: can i have the nice lady back giant slug?

Grif: Sis isnt here. Shes been gone for years.

Caboose: you ate here i knew it!

Grif: NO I DIDNT!

Wash: according to her latest twitter feed, she’s having a swimming pool installed in the old blue base.

Wash: how she affords these things baffles the mind

Grif: thats fucking awesome!

Simmons: wait Wash you have a Twitter?

Wash: yeah a friend insisted I get one.

Grif: What friends.

Wash: i was going to say whorish lunitic, Grif.

Grif: THATS MY SISTER YOURE TALKING ABOUT YOU FREELANCER BASTARD!

Wash: Then don’t imply that I have no friends

Wash: I hang out with you guys don’t I?

Grif: You boss everyone around is what you do

Wash: You’d be dead if I didn’t!

Simmons: I love the order that you bring.

Grif: stop being a kiss ass

Wash: Simmons, please reword that.

Simmons: what?

Grif: LMAO!

Wash: please…

Simmons: What? What did i say?

Grif: holy shit lol hes freaking out Wash haha! Oh my god your voice is cracking so much!

Wash: You guys are in a chatroom and in the same room?

Wait: Wait it's you two. Of course you are.

Donut: yeah you two never leave each other's’ sides.

Donut: like an old married couple.

Caboose: oh hey. I found out Freckles is a tank now… but shela….ahahahahdh

Grif: what?!

Wash: I’ll let you chew on that for a bit.

Grif: no we get that from Donut all the time. WHY IS FRECKLES A TANK?!

Wash: Yeah, was getting to that.

Grif: then get to it!

Wash: what happened?

Caboose: Tucker did it.

Wash: Caboose…

Donut: hey uh guys?

Donut: Kimball is on her way to find you guys…  
Donut: she doesn’t sound to happy.

-Griff, Wash, Simmons, Tucker, Caboose, Donut, and Sarge logged out at 16: 13-


End file.
